At a Loss.

I'm doing a thing I used to do all the time, every year or so, and disengaging from things. I have no idea why I do this. Usually it has to do with stress. Typically, as well, it has to do with dealing with a lot of people in unfamiliar situations, when I'm not sure what I'm doing or what to do.

I'm not checking emails, I'm avoiding people I know. I'm not answering phone calls. All I'm doing is getting up in the morning, going to work, coming home, and that's it. The Partner has made suggestions about 'doing projects', but, tellingly, all the projects look like to me is more work. Why would I go to work, then come home and feel like doing yet more work?

I'm thinking about work, and when I come home I don't really want to think at all, and all any of my projects involve is thought and effort and I'm tired.

I'm not washing dishes, I'm not cleaning cat boxes, and I just washed every stitch I own after not washing any of my small collection of presentable clothing for three weeks. I have to take out trash today and I don't even want to do that.

Last week was the 'project' was fixing the refrigerator. This was an involuntary 'project' that went on for three days of diagnosis and parts location, and resulted in learning all about the electrical wiring of the refrigerator and the interactions of automatic defrost components. Now, of course, I know precisely how the refrigerator works and if anything else goes wrong with it, I'll be able to figure it out in less than half an hour. This latest 'project' occurred due to an inability to afford a service call from an appliance repairman. As it was, $70 got spent in components (defrost thermostat, $12; defrost timer, $21; circulation fan, $23; shipping, $14) but it was a hell of a lot cheaper than what I know the parts would have cost from a repairman, plus labor.

For the record, the defrost thermostat burned out (a common component failure), which resulted in the timer not turning on the heating element in the freezer compartment, which resulted in ice build-up, which blocked the circulation fan, which burned out. The ice blocked the circulation ducts to the main compartment, which got no cold air, which spoiled all the food in the refrigerator. Several continuity tests later, and a really stupid and severe burn on my right hand from contacting the energized heating element, the problems were accounted for and the thing is now fixed. Until some other damn thing breaks.

The 'project' before that was doing the front brake pads on the Wango (1986Honda Wagovan), which I had to do myself because I can't afford $300 for a brake job. Why $300? Well, the front rotors are shot. They are badly scored and warped, and on Hondas the front discs are held on with invariably rusted-in Phillips-head screws. Removing and replacing the front rotors is a job and a half, the screws would have to be drilled out and retapped, and for good measure I'm sure it would result in a necessity for wheel bearing replacement. So I got the last set of pre-1993 brake pads in the county and simply installed them on the toasted and scored front rotors.
$22 out the door.

I'm looking forward to the weather imporving so I can start riding my bicycle again. I'm sick of the burden of a car. I'm sick of the burdens of 'modern life' that require so many support mechanisms to function. I'm tired of going to work. And I'm just plain tired.